Dear Oldest Child; I'm Sorry

When I decided to have children, I was like most every other parent out there. First kid, Ok, this isn't TOO horrible. I am pretty sure I can handle another. So you decide to have another one. Two is a juggle but you got it worked out with the oldest in school and the baby now on a schedule. You got this, so you decide to have another. Let me tell you, SHIT IS CHAOTIC. You lose your shit before breakfast is over, your kids are hitting, kicking, screaming while running like lunatics through the house. You spend more time getting everyone in the car than it takes to get where you're going. Shit is just a hot mess and three is not a great number of kids to have if you;

• Don't like yelling all day long. 
• Want to be completely outnumbered at any given time, even with your hubs or boyfriend as back up.
• Enjoy sleeping for more than two hour increments for the first five years of their lives.
• Don't mind being a short order cook, chauffeur, boss, mom, party planner, doctor, referee, nearly everything to tiny humans for most of their life. 

Then it gets better, in some ways. But then comes the parental guilt. The guilt you feel for your oldest child because they are the oldest. I'm feeling this guilt hardcore these last couple days as my kids end their 2.5 week holiday break. Guilt like I've never felt before, even when my oldest has annoyed the shit out of me, stomped on my every last nerve before I've even gotten out of bed in the morning, and he's asked me 400 questions about fish that I don't have any idea about at all. Here's my apology. 

     Dear Kiddo,

I don't really know what else to say but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I spend most all day dealing with your little brothers who terrorize the house, you, the animals, and destroy everything in their path. I'm sorry that I don't have time to go for a walk, or even walk down to the mailbox with you. I'm sorry that I tell you "In a minute" then seemingly run our of minutes because there's always one more thing to do. There's always something that needs doing; diaper changes, snacks for you and your brothers, meals, bath time, homework. There's just always something. 

I'm so sorry that I don't get to spend any one-on-one time with you. Your baby brother gets me in the morning while you and your brother are at school. Then your middle brother gets me between the hours of his getting home and yours when baby bro is sleeping. By the time you get home from school, everyone is home and awake too. I try to get your brothers down before you go to bed so I have even a few minutes with you, but it doesn't always work out. 

I feel really bad that I can't spend more time with you, or that I am so tired from dealing with your brothers, or that it's just always one more thing. I'm working on making it better, and as your brothers get a little older and more independent, it will get better because they will (hopefully) be able to handle themselves better. I'm trying to make time for all of you in my limited time I have each day but there are three of you, and your brothers are very close in age, and there is only one of me. 

I'm working on not reacting when I'm tired and you ask me for the 79th time about a fish I've never heard of. I'm working on not snapping at you when it's not your fault that I'm at my very end of my rope by 5 in the evening. I really am trying. I just need you to have a bit of patience with me. And I'm working on having more for you as well. 

I love you kiddo. I know that it might not always feel like it when I'm tired, upset, crying, or picking you up from school for another suspension. I realize that some of the behavior and attitude I get from you is likely my own fault. I must be doing something right though, cuz you keep asking for my attention. You keep on trying. So I'll keep on trying too. 

XOXO,

Mom